Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.