oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.