On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
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Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
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He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.