I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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