You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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