glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
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don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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