I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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