if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
