Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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