If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize