This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
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Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
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I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT