she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
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we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
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He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know