so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.