Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize