i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
