Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
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I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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