just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
