I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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