omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
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Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
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I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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