Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
