You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize