Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
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i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
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he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha