We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
