Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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