dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack