Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.