I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
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Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
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I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.