Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?