my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
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