I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
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I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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