Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
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and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
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I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.