final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!