the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
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he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
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Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I did not marry a roomba.
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