dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
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the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
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Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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