I looked at my own cervix.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
