this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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