my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
