dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
