woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
