Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
