I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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