Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
