i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
