I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
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You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
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I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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