Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
