bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.