Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!