can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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