yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
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