I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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