are you still at the devil's house?
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
