I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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