I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
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If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
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You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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