Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
