haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
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Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
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I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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