i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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