low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
YAS. BRING CRAB.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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